What Not To Write

A Modest Proposal for the Internet

Dear Writer,

So you want to write something interesting on the internet. With your own brain. How quaint.

‘A Lady Writing’ by Johannes Vermeer c.1665

Before you embark on your “journey,” here are some common mistakes to swerve at all costs.

I see you love fashion. Sweet! Enjoy. But please, don’t write about fashion unless you want to wind up poor and potentially uninvited to any fashion shows you may have been on the wait list for. Fashion is for looking at, not reading about. Words wrinkle silk. Have you heard of Instagram? Or Substack Notes?

If you must write about fashion, make sure it is full of praise.

Don’t write about something too long and complicated. No one has that attention span anymore and anyway, Substack will gently inform you that you’ve exceeded “ideal email length.” This is its way of saying: honey, no one cares about your too-thoroughly developed idea.

But don’t write something too short. The customer must get their money’s worth.

Don’t write about sex, you silly perv. There are sensitive nuns about the place.

Dear writer, do not under any circumstances attempt poetry. There are already enough unpublished geniuses pacing their kitchens at midnight.

Try to avoid writing too much about “culture.” You are sure to sound pretentious.

Avoid also writing your best material. Lest some unwitting publisher decide to let you write a book one day, only for you to sit down to write it and find there is no ink left in your nib; only air left in your cranium. You poured your finest sentences into the algorithmic sea and now the well is dry. You wasted your best material on the vortex and will be condemned to content creator status for eternity.

Don’t write about politics or controversies with any sort of nuance whatsoever. Listen carefully now: if you consider both sides of the argument, it will only make the people on either side hate you for even bothering to consider the argument of the other side. Traitor.

James Sevenson @TheNewYorkerCartoons

Actually, best avoid writing about politics at all*. No one wants to receive an angry direct message reading, “Unsubscribing! You just had to write about politics didn’t you.”

*Unless you are a card-carrying, self-proclaimed “political journalist,” in which case pick a side and stick to it forever or risk public tar and feathering.

Same goes for international conflicts. Tell me, writer, why are you so depressing?

Do not under any circumstances use diereses. This is not The New Yorker. You are not a Brontë. Get ahold of yourself.

Anne, Emily and Charlotte Brontë, by their brother Branwell (c. 1834). He painted himself among his sisters, but later removed his image so as not to clutter the picture.

but don’t try 2 write too gen z either we know how old u r lmao.

And for godsake do not ever use an em dash. Overuse, or for that matter, misuse, commas, proving your humanity at all costs.

Copyright: The Internet.

Now that all that’s out of the way, one more word of advice: don’t even consider including a photo where clothing, objects, books, or any other potentially acquirable item is not credited in the caption with a direct, live shopping link. What do you think you’re here for anyway? Your lofty ambitions are in direct opposition to your capitalistic potential.

Now add the links.

You are not above commerce. You are inside it.

At least you’ll make a cut. You can pay the babysitter again next week.

And churn out another.